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I’m cautiously thinking that things might be getting better for me on the depression front. I’ve started doing this kind of triage on my shit-to-do list, cutting it down to only the most essential of items so it’s not so overwhelming. Like last night, I knew I needed to get some stuff organized for the morning because I had to get to class. Instead of freaking out about the chaos that is my current state of housekeeping, I just got a load of my clothes in the washer, emailed my prof to get the reading assignment, took a bath and washed my hair, set the alarm clock, and let the rest go.
This was pretty successful, up till the point where I somehow knocked my glasses off my dresser and into a shopping bag full of my bath-salt-making supplies. Whoops! I was all ready to go, and running around on the verge of freaking the fuck out because I didn’t want to be late, but just when I was about to lose it (I was actually standing in my room looking up at the ceiling yelling WHY? WHY! WHY?!?!?) I looked down and saw my glasses in the bag. Perhaps this was an answered prayer, but we’ll never know.
Anyway, I made it to class and it was good. I really liked this professor last time I had her. She does this great thing where whenever someone asks her a question, she answers with a question – which usually bugs the hell out of the person asking the question but I think it’s awesome and definitely makes for some interesting light-bulb moments in her classes. She’s from Russia and has a PhD in Philosophy – I think her thing is Russian existentialism or something – and she’s just not like any other teacher I’ve ever had. It’s like she has this way of making you realize how much of an idiot you are, but without shaming you about it. She’s great, and I’m looking forward to learning about Logic too.
After school, I went to the co-op and stocked up on vitamins. My doctor is hoping that loading up on D will help my body absorb the extra calcium that’s floating around messing up my kidneys. I added a B-vitamin stress-formula as well, and I do think I felt a little zip from that today. Worked today and got caught up on stuff there. I stayed busy and it went by pretty quickly. After work a little rest and then a nice long walk to the playground with C. Now, I am really tired but in a good, got-a-lot-accomplished way. I think I will sleep well tonight. I definitely think I deserve that.
Yesterday’s visit to the doctor confirmed that I have a kidney full of calcium crystals, too small to be stones yet, but as the nurse practitioner put it: we don’t want those crystals hanging around and making friends with each other.
The gravel in my kidney is irritating it and causing it to bleed, and it hurts too, but not like passing a stone. And then there’s the collateral damage from the antibiotics I’m taking, blarg. I’m hoping that this kidney thing is just an unlucky coincidence, and doesn’t have anything to do with being on Suboxone. I can’t seem to find any info that correlates the two things – but that doesn’t mean much, really. Other than that, I think I’m on the mend from the infection.
Now for the good news! Through a strange twist of circumstances today, I found out that I don’t have to take a certain math class that I’ve attempted to take two times, and withdrawn from two times already in my illustrious college career. Seems that my school has long had a policy that you can only attempt a class two times, and if you need another try at it, you must petition for permission. Well, lucky me, they decided that this year they would actually begin enforcing this policy – forcing me to petition to take Intermediate Algebra yet again.
Well! The big-cheese who was in charge of that petition process pointed out to my adviser that I could just use my high-school math to satisfy that requirement. Whoa – what?!?! Why has no one told me this before? So, with one conversation today I eliminated the need to take two math classes, and signed up for Intro to Logic – which is the last class I need to complete my associate’s degree! I could very possibly graduate this summer!!!!
Yippeee!!! Well, this is all contingent on my school accepting all the various credits I’ve earned at my previous schools – but that really shouldn’t be a problem, if I can keep my head out of my ass long enough to actually order all of my transcripts and have them evaluated.
School started Monday, and though I just registered today (and paid off my past-due day care bill and returned a year-overdue library book and ordered my textbook, whew!) I will have my first class tomorrow morning. For this, I am utterly unprepared, and I really should be doing my laundry and whatnot. I’ll be a couple of days behind, but still – I’m almost there, the finish line is in my sight….and I’m not locked in my bathroom crying!
Four years this has taken me – at this particular school anyway. I actually started college in 1991. So this feels like a really big day for me, and I pushed through a lot of anxiety and dread to get this done. It’s been a year since I last attended any classes, and quite the fucking year it’s been. It feels so good to be moving forward again, to have tangible evidence of the hard work I’ve been doing to put my life back together.
Just to make the day even better, I got to spend a couple of hours at the park with my kid. We played on the beach where a creek runs down to Puget Sound, built a sandcastle and turned over rocks looking for crabs. It was sunny and windy and cold and being there filled my soul with peace and happiness. The whole first hour we were there I was fighting anxious thoughts about everything I have to do to get ready, and all the things that might go wrong – but then we started working on building a stone wall around the castle and finally my mind let go and I was just there.
Sometimes that is the greatest thing of all, just to be present, to just be.
About a month ago, the folks at Suboxone Blog asked me to be a guest blogger. Well, my first post is up today!
Please go check it out and leave a comment to show your support, if you’re so inclined. I would, of course, deeply appreciate that. 
I have wanted to be a “real” writer for as long as I can remember, but I’ve always been hyper-critical of myself and too afraid to send out any of my work for publication. Even during my stint as a copy-editor at my college newspaper, I was often paralyzed by self-doubt. The support I’ve gotten for my writing here, and the compliment of being asked to guest-blog have really helped me get over all that, and realize that I might be able to do this after all.
Who knew that addiction and recovery would finally begin to set me free to do what I really wanted to do? That’s a beautiful thing.
Hope to see you there too!
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