Shiny Sink.

Today I read this great post  by Erin at What Winners Do. It is becoming obvious to me that Erin is spying on me somehow, as she writes  with stunning frequency and consistency about the very dilemmas with which I find myself freqently struggling. It’s almost like she’s me, only a year or so in the future. Fancy that. I’m at once comforted by this and also somewhat humbled by the regular reminder of just how unique I am not – but I will try not to get hung up on that for the moment.

The post linked above is about her transformation from pill-queen to domestic-diva. Erin has a gift for admitting things about herself that no one wants to admit about themselves, in a way that completely disarms me and makes me want to join her club. Today’s refreshing slap to the head was this:

The best thing I was ever told by a therapist was that I wasn’t lazy when it came to running my home…I was actually overwhelmed because I didn’t know how to do it correctly. Bam! That opened my eyes.

There is nothing wrong with not knowing how to do something correctly. The only problem would be if I was unwilling to learn.

Ah-HA! The first thing I thought was: Jeesh, I wish my therapist would say something that useful. But then I gave it a little thought.

A big part of my problem(s) always has to do with perception, and this thing with the chaos in my house is no different. I’ve been struggling with it, and a significant part of that has to do with remembering that I have had times in my life where my house was clean, organized and I even liked all of my furniture. I was busy with school and work and a social life and yet not so overwhelmed by dishes as I am now. I thought that when I started Suboxone treatment that state of domestic-goddess grace would just descend upon me again and my home would once again reflect the zen-like tranquility of my mind. And Why Isn’t It Happening NOW!!!11!1!!!  I mean, I got off the drugz, it’s been almost 4 months, why isn’t everything in my life reverting to it’s former level of perfection? Ahahaha-ahah-hahahahhahhah.

Upon closer examination this little fairy tale that I’ve been telling myself is revealed as the revisionist-history delusion that it really is. I have always been disorganized & prone to messiness. If my home was neater in days gone by, it was because I had a neat roommate who would not tolerate my crap and/or way less stuff to keep track of/take care of. I was also single, and didn’t have a child, and I was in better physical condition – pre-fibromyalgia. Even with all of those variables, the organizational state of my life fluctuated greatly depending on my level of depression.

Realizing all of that means that I can shed a lot of guilt and bewilderment at my current incompetence at managing the housework. There is no past standard to live up to, and there is no shame in admitting that I need to learn how to care for my home (and my life) in the context of my current circumstances. Today I’ve been thinking about what that means, and how I can try to set my home/life up so that things work for me, not against me.

To help me overcome my confusion and overwhelmedness, I signed up at the FlyLady’s site today. She has a step-by-step program for the organizationally challenged, and since my friend FreeFromItAll is always talking about her I thought I’d give it a shot.  I have to admit that I had to overcome a wave of embarassment at signing up for this service, and then another wave of embarassment because I started to feel kinda excited about it, and yet another one when I told J about it, but seriously, WTF? Is anyone really too cool to care about the state of her home? Do I really want to be that person?

The first step was to shine my kitchen sink. A step meant to provide a feeling of accomplishment, a tangible symbol of my newfound enthusiasm, my sink now gleams like a beacon of hope. Jazzed about my success with the sink I also did a bunch of dishes, some laundry, and even cooked a healthy dinner (including broccoli!) for little C tonight. I also paced myself, rested, read and enjoyed my Sunday. Fuckin Aye! Tomorrow the goal is to get up and get dressed and ready for the day right away, and keep the sink shined. 

I can handle that.

Getting my house clean and organized is not the most glamourous goal, but I’m realizing that it is a fundamental step in this process of creating the life that I want.  And I can chose to view the process as drudgery, or as an opportunity to grow. It’s like this little Zen story, which one of my former roommates was fond of quoting:

A monk told Joshu: “I have just entered the monastery. Please teach me.”
Joshu asked: “Have you eaten your rice porridge?”
The monk replied: “I have eaten”
Joshu said “Then you had better wash your bowl”

Maybe it really is that simple. Maybe if I just focus on the humble tasks that need to be done, I’ll find my way into the life that I want.

Boring, obligitory post because I promised to post everyday

I shouldn’t leave writing for so late in the day, er, night. I’m tired by now, and my mind is a little vacant. Earlier, I had lots of thoughts and ruminations – now I’m just ready for it to be over.

I had a great day with Little C today. We shopped for costumes and spent a leisurely lunch hour in the Wendy’s dining room, lingering over our rootbeer floats, (yum), making wiggle worms from straw wrappers, and just being silly together. It felt so good to just be in her presence, and to be able to connect with her and not be moody or grumpy or sick or high. Felt really good, a little giddy and I felt a bit kid-like myself. That is something worth quitting for, to be truly present with my daughter, enjoying a totally typical Sunday afternoon. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed that. Missed her. Missed myself.

I feel somewhat rushed right now. The weekend is over, and it’s back to the study docs at 8am. I should be getting my implants this week, and I’m nervous about that since a&j got hers and hasn’t fared so well. Work is still chaos, and an avalanche of paperwork and other bullshit that I need to take care of awaits. *Deep Breath* I am also feeling some side effects from the suboxone: confusion, anxiety, hot flashes & flushing, sweating, thirsty. Kinda sucks, hopefully it will go away soon.

Oh, and those mother-fucking Lice are back again. I looked in Little C’s backpack and what do you know? Someone’s got lice at school again! We checked her head and found bugs, so now I have a mountain of laundry to do, and I have to clean the house and vacuum, and and and.

Life sure didn’t take a break so I could get well. It’s nothing major that makes it hard to hang on, it’s just the little b.s. that hits you over and over, and the lack of time and lack of rest and the clutter and accumulation and not having a quiet space for myself where I can just be the fuck alone.

The house is a mess, but if I work on it a little every day, I’ll get it fixed. My body is sick and tired, but I can work on that a little every day too. Everything is like that – I just have to do a little bit each day and not give up and I’ll get there. Well, I’ll get somewhere anyway. Right now, I’m going to bed.