Clueless

I went to a party today (Saturday). I’d forgotten that it can be fun to go out and be with my friends – I’d had my head up my ass for so long, all I could think about was my pills, and I would only be soical if I was high, and not even then -usually.

There were more than a few inspiring women at the gathering today. Every one of them has big challenges in her life, probably more than I even know, but they were still excited about their lives & talking about all the cool stuff they’d been doing latetly. They all looked so kick-ass and strong and alive. One whom I’ve only really been an acquaintance of for years now offered to be an exercise partner if I wanted. I think I’ll call her. It feels good to be back in the world, if a little scary. Yes, definitely good. Maybe it’s time to spread my wings a little. Maybe it is possible that someone wants to be friends with me, maybe I can find some new ways to bond with people (other than drugs, eh?)

And again, I am so in love with my daughter. We have been having such a fine time lately, and I have suboxone to thank for that. I am thankful. It is a gift to be able to be here with her, able to give her my full attention because I’m not in pain, not miserable, not wasted, not dopesick, not distracted. With all of that lifted, it’s so easy to connect with her, so easy to remember why I’m trying to change my life.

Re: Supplemental Suboxone tally: Down to 10mgs today and that held me pretty well. Has me thinking that the Probuphine implant might be kicking in. I just wish I didn’t wake up feeling so fucking crapy every morning.

Happy Anniversary, A&J

My most beloved friend, angstandjoy, who chronicles her experience in the same buprenorphine/probuphine research study that I am in over at I Am Not the New Me,  is celebrating a week clean from the evol pills that ruled her life for a while. I am so proud of her, and for her, and grateful for her friendship and support and her company on this lonely journey. I am not prone to saying things like “it’s a miracle!” lightly, especially if I’m saying it without some sense of irony or sarcasm – but the change I’ve seen in her since she started suboxone is freaking miraculous, and beautiful. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed her until she came back.

When I read her comment for the day, I counted up the days since I last ingested an unprescribed prescription opioid medication, as they so elegantly refer to my drugs of choice at the study place when they query me about my useage, and it has been a whole 12 days. The only thing is, I don’t feel clean. I guess I haven’t suffered enough or something. I’ve quit drugs before, like when I was pregnant, and that was harder because I had no back-up medications, no antidepressants, nothing.

For me, going from illicit opiate-pill use to suboxone felt like going from an ersatz self-medication regime, albiet a miserably failing one, to finally finding the correct medication for my depression and fibromyalgia. I don’t know why this seems so fundamentally different to me than “being clean,” other than my previous experience with AA/NA, which was years and years ago, but during which time many “recovering addicts/alcoholics” were all-too-eager to inform me that if I was taking any kind of psychotropic medication (i.e. antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds) then I was in fact, not clean nor sober. To which I issued a hearty 14-year-old’s Fuck You Motherfucker, I am too clean – but still. I guess there’s some more baggage I need to set the hell down if I’m going to make it all the way down this road.

I am begining to seriously doubt that there is any mediction in my implants. I think I may have received the dread placebo. I took suboxone 24 hours before the implants, and then 12 hours after they were put in I was starting to have withdrawals. About 8 hours after that, I had my first 16 mgs of supplemental subxone. That was Thursday. Friday, Saturday and today I took 14 mgs. Only on Thursday did I feel slightly over-medicated – the rest of the days I have felt kinda crappy until I dosed, and then felt fine. So, if I do have drugs in my arm, they must not be working too well, as I don’t think my tolerance is that high. If the implants were working, I’d be getting like 26-28 mgs of buprenorphine a day, which is a lot more than I was taking for the 5 days of my induction.

The only thing that gives me any hope is that I think I’m coming down with a cold or flu, which is what w/d feels like, so maybe I was confused by my crap feeling and took the extra medication for the wrong reason, and just felt better because it is an opiate, after all. Yes, I am good at that rationalization thing. Anyway, I’ll see what the doc thinks tomorrow.

Today was such a perfect Sunday. Little Cappie was at her gramma’s house last night, so I slept in and then laid in bed and read for a while. Mr. B and I went out to brunch and actually talked to each other instead of reading funny shit from the Stranger to each other – it was just like the olden days, so great! Then Lil C met us at the restaurant and we went home and she and I worked on making some penguins out of styrofoam balls and felt. It was fun, really! And we had guests and I didn’t hide out in my room the whole time. It’s like I’ve made a year’s worth of progress in the past couple of weeks. Feels good to be back, hopefully I’ll stick around for a while.