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In keeping with my theme of wrapping things up, I finally turned in my application to graduate today. In a few weeks I will finally be the holder of an Associate of Arts degree, woot!
It took me a long fucking time to finish this, but I did it. Most of the time I had to just keep my head down and focus on getting through one quarter, one class at a time. Sometimes I got sick and had to drop out. Sometimes I made the dean’s list. It took me three schools and many starts and stops, but I did it.
Can I just say that it feels weird to have accomplished something? I’m so good at giving up. In some way, I’m really not sure how I got here.
Back to school again in another month. Keep grinding, hopefully I’ll get where I’m going someday.
I am tired of being on Suboxone. I am tired of being “good.” Tired of not partying, tired of staying home, tired of trying to fix what’s wrong with me.
I don’t want to go to meetings. I don’t want to see my therapist. I don’t want to write about it. I don’t want to call a friend. I don’t want to read inspirational stories about recovery and redemption. I don’t even want to go to yoga. I want to get into a time machine, go back to the year I was 23, drop a hit of ecstacy and go to a rave. Or something.
I am bored. And an addict being bored is a Very Dangerous Thing.
I recognize that part of this is that it’s February in the Pacific Northwest, and while the light is slowly returning…it’s still pretty frakking dreary. I also realize that part of this is my depression, which returned with a vengance this winter, and which is just starting to lift enough that I realize that I’m in a rut…but not really enough for me to do much about it.
Which is really the essence of boredom, isn’t it? Tolstoy wrote that boredom is “the desire for desires,” and that is exactly how I feel. I want to want to do stuff, but I don’t want to do stuff. And while there was a time in my life when a quick cure for boredom might have involved bong hits or tabs of LSD, that time is long, long gone.
So what then? How do I move past this feeling of boredom, before it turns into a relapse or another bout of depression?
First, I’m going to be patient with myself. The past several months have been physically and mentally hard, with my thyroid disease worsening and a recurrence of major depression. Healing takes time, and it sure as hell takes it’s own sweet time. Maybe my life IS a little boring and slow right now, but it’s what I can handle, and it won’t be this way forever.
Second, I’m going to make an appointment with my therapist. I’ve been avoiding her since I got depressed. Well, I was avoiding everyone, but I especially didn’t want to see the lady who wants me to confront my issues, jeesh. Maybe she can help me make a plan to be more proactive in my life.
Third, I’m forcing myself to be social. That’s right, real life friends, I should be returning your phone call any day now! Today I managed to get myself out to the gym for the first time in forever, and even though I missed yoga, I worked out and I think I feel better for it. And I went to a sorta-party at my work on Friday, and I might even go out to the movies some time soon!
Endlessly amusing…
Vote.
My friend hooked me up with some friends of hers who do this thing they call The Abundance. Every Friday, they get the culled items from one of the local organic-produce delivery companies, and they set all these awesome veggies out in boxes on the side of their house, send out a text message and it’s free for the taking.
I went for the first time a few weeks ago. There were boxes of little potatoes, big green leeks, leafy Swiss chard, peppers, onions, grapes and my favorite apples – Jona Golds. It was like an awesome, free farmers market, and because the produce was a gift, we all felt inspired to cook up some delicious soups and quiche and have people over for dinner.
That’s right friends, it’s been a whole year since I started both Suboxone treatment and this blog. If you care to read me waxing nostalgic about it, please check out my new post over at The Second Road.
I’ve added a new link to my blogroll – Suboxone Talk Zone.
The Suboxone Talk Zone is written by Dr. Junig, who is both a psychiatrist and a recovering addict. His blog is full of good info about Suboxone and addiction recovery, and if you have a question you can leave a comment on his blog and he’ll probably answer you.
Seriously, I wish that my Sub doc was more like Dr. Junig. He really seems to know what he’s talking about, and he has the best description of how Suboxone works at the receptor site that I’ve ever read. (This entry is also a very fine refutation of the idea that Suboxne is somehow slowly poisioning us to death.)
I’ve been having a hard time getting anything done lately. I’m overwhelmed, with fatigue, schoolwork, bureaucracy, inventory at work, housecleaning chores, and doubts about my ability to do any of it. The past week or so I’ve felt my old anxiety starting to simmer under the surface, burning away energy that I can scarcely afford to lose.
So what to do when life calls and I simply can’t just take to my bed for a month or six?
Read the rest at The Second Road…
This makes me feel a little hopeful. Please pass it on.
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