Sorry, I just read the package insert for the ambien that I took about 45 minutes ago. The insert suggested that I take the ambien while already in bed, as I would be falling fast asleep within 15 minutes. Also, I should be aware that I might get up and do things in the night – drive a car, cook a meal, have sex – and not know that I’m doing whatever activity. Nor might I remember said activity in the morning. And here I am, nearly an hour after ingesting such a potent sleeping pill, clickity clacking away on my laptop. Hmmm….perhaps I AM ASLEEP. Does that mean I get to say all kind of weird shit and just be all: Oh, that was the ambien talking. Whatev.

Saw my psy Doc today. 16 days off Suboxone and doing fine…except for the insomnia. Today I woke up at 4 am, after going to sleep at 11, waking at 1:30 and again at 3, after the 4am wake I decided sleep was over, such as. So I read for a while and then cleaned. Later I felt spun like I was coming down from speed or my partner’s ADD meds, which I don’t take anymore, either of those things, just sayin that’s what it felt like.

Yoga was good tonight. I love this particular class. Love! We were doing Downward Facing Dogs and for a long time. My arm was shaking. I’m deconditioned due to my lack of working out while I was depressed (see space of many empty blog-months is now explained, sorta). Anyway. I wanted, in my heart and mind, very much for the teacher to move on to something else. Core strength or forward bends, balance poses, anything except all these freakin postures that were stressing my arms. It was hot in there. A bead of sweat dripped off my nose and onto my hand. My arm was shaking. I wanted to rest.

I realized: What I need is not less of this. What I need is MORE OF THIS. I NEED MORE OF THE STUFF THAT IS HARD BUT NECESSARY. I don’t need to skip that stuff and do stuff that’s easy and feels good all the time. I need more Downward Dogs. More pushups. More forcing myself out of bed early to be productive. More looking at the things that are hard and finding out how they will make me stronger. So I guess the moral of the story is: That thing that pushes you, makes you uncomfortable, you want it but you’re scared, it’s a little bit out of reach – that is what you need, quitter, to move on to the next phase of recovery.

I’ll write about that next phase idea soon. Right now I’ve got to get into bed and try to get a decent night of sleep.