I am tired of being on Suboxone. I am tired of being “good.” Tired of not partying, tired of staying home, tired of trying to fix what’s wrong with me.
I don’t want to go to meetings. I don’t want to see my therapist. I don’t want to write about it. I don’t want to call a friend. I don’t want to read inspirational stories about recovery and redemption. I don’t even want to go to yoga. I want to get into a time machine, go back to the year I was 23, drop a hit of ecstacy and go to a rave. Or something.
I am bored. And an addict being bored is a Very Dangerous Thing.
I recognize that part of this is that it’s February in the Pacific Northwest, and while the light is slowly returning…it’s still pretty frakking dreary. I also realize that part of this is my depression, which returned with a vengance this winter, and which is just starting to lift enough that I realize that I’m in a rut…but not really enough for me to do much about it.
Which is really the essence of boredom, isn’t it? Tolstoy wrote that boredom is “the desire for desires,” and that is exactly how I feel. I want to want to do stuff, but I don’t want to do stuff. And while there was a time in my life when a quick cure for boredom might have involved bong hits or tabs of LSD, that time is long, long gone.
So what then? How do I move past this feeling of boredom, before it turns into a relapse or another bout of depression?
First, I’m going to be patient with myself. The past several months have been physically and mentally hard, with my thyroid disease worsening and a recurrence of major depression. Healing takes time, and it sure as hell takes it’s own sweet time. Maybe my life IS a little boring and slow right now, but it’s what I can handle, and it won’t be this way forever.
Second, I’m going to make an appointment with my therapist. I’ve been avoiding her since I got depressed. Well, I was avoiding everyone, but I especially didn’t want to see the lady who wants me to confront my issues, jeesh. Maybe she can help me make a plan to be more proactive in my life.
Third, I’m forcing myself to be social. That’s right, real life friends, I should be returning your phone call any day now! Today I managed to get myself out to the gym for the first time in forever, and even though I missed yoga, I worked out and I think I feel better for it. And I went to a sorta-party at my work on Friday, and I might even go out to the movies some time soon!
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February 17, 2009 at 12:47 pm
The Second Road Family » Freedom from addiction through…tapping?
[...] the ol’ internetz, looking for some guided meditations. I’ve been struggling with both depression and boredom lately, and I thought I might find some visualization and relaxation exercises that I could use to [...]
February 17, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Jeffrey Junig
Hey dude– you and I need to talk! I know you are just venting… but you are really romanticizing those sick old days… feeling guilty every single morning about the money you spent… lying to every person who cares about you…
Even the ‘high’ isn’t that good, because as soon as you are there you are aware that it is leaving, and you are bummed that you are out of money to get it back…
The problem isn’t ‘not using’– there was no ‘there’ there anymore. Opiates are fun for a short time, then there is no fun to be had. There just isn’t– it sucks, sure– but that is just how it is.
This is the area where Suboxone patients miss out, compared to ‘meeting/recovery patients’… in that type of treatment, the ‘new life’ is built in. There are things that can be done though… let me give it some thought and get back to you. We can meet at a blog somewhere.
Hang in there– in the meantime, work on ‘gratitude’. Not just lip service– really spend some time thinking about what you have now, that you didn’t then— but try to do it a bit more accurately. Start with waking up without scrambling for the telephone, or looking your significant other in the face without fumbling for a lie.
Take care,
JJ
SuboxoneTalkZone.com
February 18, 2009 at 8:04 am
Erin
See in my opinion the fact that you are realizing that these signs and warnings are rearing their ugly head is a huge step in the right direction.
I understand the whole thing that acknowledging something and actually doing something about it are two different things but… you gotta start somewhere right?
I think it’s pretty common to get a case of the “fuck it’s”… the real problems start when you don’t do anything about it.
I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, I’ve had some similar feelings now and again
If you just keep doing what you’re supposed to be doing, sooner or later you will realize that it passed… it always does.
February 20, 2009 at 9:17 am
Pisceus
Hey, sorry to read you’re not feeling too well. I am coming on 3 years on Suboxone and since giving up illegal drug use I now suffer from debilitating boredom, especially at night and relate fully to most everything you wrote in this post. I agree the boredom is a very dangerous thing.
I have taken to walking to help in my situation. Anywhere, for hours at a time. The exercise helps to counter the boredom, anxiety/agitation and insomnia some. I recently dropped to mainly 8mg from 12mg and it was unpleasant but would have been more so if I didn’t exercise.
I wish you all the best, drop by and say hi at my blog!
February 22, 2009 at 6:02 am
Kyrsten
Hi there,
I found your blog a while ago and check in once in a while – I am a recovering addict with over six years sober, and I am taking suboxone for back pain (I went on it because the only option for back pain was tylenol 3 or other opiates and I didn’t want to go down that road again). Anyhow,
I just wanted to say I really know this feeling of the desire for desire. My depression knocked into me pretty hard this winter, and being an addict makes it that much harder when you know you used to be able to just knock back a pill and automatically feel better, but you CAN’T.
Hang in there. There’s plenty of us out there, and we all need to find each other and become the social group we’re lacking. If that made sense.
Anyhow, good luck. I feel ya.
March 31, 2009 at 1:15 am
Scott
Dear Lady I think any of us who have ever been addicted to almost anything understand exactly what you are saying. I’m a d&a counselor with 24 years of recovery, and every now and then I go through depression, and boredom. I know you won’t want to hear this anymore than you want to talk to your therapist, but action is the only answer that I have found that works in all these years. Getting out of myself, and mind, seems to be the only thing that speeds up the days, and make me feel productive. I found that early on when going to meetings and just trying to do something good for someone else. I tried to help not only the other drug addicts, but anyone who looked like they needed a friend.
I learned that no one really wanted to hear my story unless they asked so I spent no time trying to help anyone get sober. Every once in a while someone would asked about my sobriety, and God help them then:) Minute by minute, hour by hour, and finally day by day I found myself so involved in helping others that I had little time to suffer my own pain. I found joy in others joy, and I finally found love in others love. I never intended to be a counselor, but some how it just happened. I now own my own treatment center. Another thing I had no desire to do.
I can tell that you have tried the program to some extent, but I believe you may have gone there for the wrong reason. To get sober! Sobriety is just a side effect of changing your life so you can be serene. You noticed I didn’t say happy. Happiness is a state of being that does come sometimes in sobriety, but serenity is the goal. I have been happy, and very sad many times in my sobriety, but neither experience has been so over whelming that I had to go back to drugs.
Sorry about the lecture. I don’t mean it that way. I just wanted to share my experience, strength, and HOPE with you for your future:) Scott
May 21, 2009 at 12:23 pm
emofree
Well I guess that’s good for you to have a social life. I guess you could try out some EFT programs or Emotional Freedom Techniques.
July 21, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Alix
Hey! Ok, so its summer there now. How are you? Been thinking about you….
September 3, 2009 at 5:28 am
harry
Ive just helped an old girlfreind go thru withdrawl from opiates, we share a kid and she moved in cause her family couldnt put up with her problem anymore. she has started to go out, most every weekend, sometimes doesnt come home, guessing she has a relationship going but is going out to bars and partys anyway to deal with addiction?