You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2009.
I am tired of being on Suboxone. I am tired of being “good.” Tired of not partying, tired of staying home, tired of trying to fix what’s wrong with me.
I don’t want to go to meetings. I don’t want to see my therapist. I don’t want to write about it. I don’t want to call a friend. I don’t want to read inspirational stories about recovery and redemption. I don’t even want to go to yoga. I want to get into a time machine, go back to the year I was 23, drop a hit of ecstacy and go to a rave. Or something.
I am bored. And an addict being bored is a Very Dangerous Thing.
I recognize that part of this is that it’s February in the Pacific Northwest, and while the light is slowly returning…it’s still pretty frakking dreary. I also realize that part of this is my depression, which returned with a vengance this winter, and which is just starting to lift enough that I realize that I’m in a rut…but not really enough for me to do much about it.
Which is really the essence of boredom, isn’t it? Tolstoy wrote that boredom is “the desire for desires,” and that is exactly how I feel. I want to want to do stuff, but I don’t want to do stuff. And while there was a time in my life when a quick cure for boredom might have involved bong hits or tabs of LSD, that time is long, long gone.
So what then? How do I move past this feeling of boredom, before it turns into a relapse or another bout of depression?
First, I’m going to be patient with myself. The past several months have been physically and mentally hard, with my thyroid disease worsening and a recurrence of major depression. Healing takes time, and it sure as hell takes it’s own sweet time. Maybe my life IS a little boring and slow right now, but it’s what I can handle, and it won’t be this way forever.
Second, I’m going to make an appointment with my therapist. I’ve been avoiding her since I got depressed. Well, I was avoiding everyone, but I especially didn’t want to see the lady who wants me to confront my issues, jeesh. Maybe she can help me make a plan to be more proactive in my life.
Third, I’m forcing myself to be social. That’s right, real life friends, I should be returning your phone call any day now! Today I managed to get myself out to the gym for the first time in forever, and even though I missed yoga, I worked out and I think I feel better for it. And I went to a sorta-party at my work on Friday, and I might even go out to the movies some time soon!
Endlessly amusing…
We had a little party at my place of employment tonight. J brought down his turntables and spun for a couple of hours. We moved the clothing racks out of the way so we had a nice open space to dance & for the kids to play.
It was strange, listening to a bunch of my favorite house records being spun in a kid’s boutique while the shorties boogied down. Such a far cry from years gone by when I’d have been listening to those same songs in some dark warehouse, high as a kite, not a care in the world.
Nowadays it’s my daughter who wants to put glitter dust all over her face, and I’m content to be home by 9:00. Funny how things change, and yet my love for the music and the dancing is undiminished, and I shelter it in the place in my heart where I know who I truly am.
Recent Comments