I almost didn’t go into the class. I stood on the threshold, looking anxiously around the dimly-lit studio, assessing the situation. This was not my regular yoga class, not my usual yoga instructor, and I was feeling deeply unsure that this class was going to work out well for me.

Why the trepidation, especially when I love yoga so very dearly?

Well everyone in the class was skinny. And there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just that I’ve noticed that the kind of yoga instructors who are good at adapting yoga poses to different body types tend to attract students of different body types. When I see a class full of wiry students, taught by a wiry teacher, I get a little nervous.

But I really wanted a yoga session that day and this was the only one on the menu. So I went in and plopped my fat booty down on a mat and hoped for the best.

Things started off all-right, with some chanting of Om’s and a bit of centering meditation. Then we started right in with some flows. The teacher was exactly as I feared he would be – presenting every pose in exactly one way and not giving any modifications or any instructions or assistance for those of us who needed props to get the job done. He seemed like a totally nice and chill dude, and he was great at demonstrating the asanas. And he made a point to call out the few students who were especially strong and flexible for their good work.

But. When it came to telling me how to make a pose work for my body, he totally wiffed. Lucky for me, I’ve been practicing yoga for a long time and I have some experience with modifying poses and using the props. Seriously, if this class (which was billed as all-levels) had been my introduction to yoga, I’d probably never have come back. You would think that if you loved something enough to teach it, you’d want to make it accessible to as many people as possible – but then again, I’m not doing so hot in my Logic class, so don’t trust my reasoning.

Things went from frustrating to uncomfortable when the teacher announced that we’d be doing some partner work. First up – some preparation for locust pose, in which one partner was to lay on her stomach while the other partner sat upon the prone partner’s legs and pulled her arms back (click the link and look at the picture!). Of course, I was freaking out that I was going to totally crush my tiny little partner or pull her arms out of their sockets or something – but it all worked out fine and she was way cool. Whew!

Then we worked on wheel pose, which is a backbend. We were supposed to spot our partners, which was no problem. My partner went first, and did a beautiful backbend. When my turn came, I was feeling pretty relaxed and groovy, because I’ve been working on this particular pose for a while. Just as I was ready to push up, the instructor finally noticed my existance and ran over to help my partner spot me. I guess he was afraid I might fall over and hurt her or she might bust a gut trying to life my fat ass, I don’t know…but he sure did book it over to us.

I did my backbend, and the instructor actually sputtered. He definitely seemed caught off-guard, and asked dubiously: Have you done this before? WTF? I didn’t know whether to be proud of myself for busting a stereotype or angry at him for being such a tool. I was keeping up with the class the whole hour, no thanks to him. Did he really think I was totally inexperienced? Is that how he treats all newcomers to yoga? Bah! (He did recoup minor credit for quickly recovering and telling me I did a “beautiful job.”)

In the end, I was feeling to good to be angry (thanks, yoga!) but I am definitely going to speak to him next time I take his class. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he’s just not had many fat students. But he’s got one now, and he’s going to have to adapt and make sure that his class is safe and beneficial for me and any other fatties who might wander in.

And can I say how strong I am feeling in myself, and how glad and proud I am that I didn’t turn around and walk out of that class when I was having my moment of indecision? I have grown so much in the past six months, learning to take risks and even feeling ok to put myself into uncomfortable situations so that I can grow. This is pretty remarkable, considering that when I was abusing opiates, my main goal in life was to avoid any kind of discomfort whatsoever. And I’m rediscovering the things that I used to do to make myself feel “high” – by which I mean “happy.” It’s not always (ever) easy, and I know that I still owe a lot of my stability to suboxone, but I am feeling better than I have in years – and I love it.

Erin has a good post up right now about the ebbs and flows of recovery (and life in general). She makes a great point about doing the work we need to do when we’re feeling good and able to to it, because this is the work that will sustain us during the hard times. She’s totally right, and I’m so glad she reminded me of that. I’m definitely on an upswing right now, feeling the rewards of hard work I put in even when I really, really didn’t want to do a damn thing. And I’m fully aware that the wheel will cycle round again and the hard times will be back – but for now I’m going to soak in this feeling of happiness and well-being. It was hard-won, and I’m profoundly grateful for every moment of it.

FYI – So far in my practice I’ve found viniyoga to be the most fat-friendly, and it’s also my favorite type of yoga. Viniyoga is known for lots focus on breath, being gentle and having lots of modifications for poses for those of us who are not gumby. Viniyoga classes feel the most healing to me, and though it is a gentle yoga I always manage to get some really amazing stretching done as well. The thing I like about it the most though is that the focus is more on the process and feeling balance in your body and getting the most out of the movement – rather than just trying to force the poses.