Easter Sunday, on the way home from A&J’s house, I had a purely, amazingly, lovely, Velveeta moment.
My head was resting on the passenger-side window, the sun shining warmly on my face. None of us were talking, and I shut my eyes. We were rockin the oldies on the radio and (wait for it….) Tiny Dancer by Elton John came on. This happy confluence of music, light and relaxation transported me back to my mom & dad’s old, puke-green station wagon, driving home from an outing to the beach, basking in the S. Florida sunlight.
For those few, brief minutes I felt like myself again. All the bullshit dropped away – even the last vestiges of pretension to hipness which might have stymied my enjoyment of such a schlocky song. I didn’t care. I felt wrapped in comfort, safe, and at ease. It was like I got this little glimpse of who I used to be, and who I really am, underneath all of the anxiety, pain and neurosis. I remembered what it was like to be carefree, to be happy.
There is a danger inherent in being too self-focused. Maybe it was needed, for a time, when I was more in crisis. Now I’m realizing that all the analysis, the searching, the thinking – it isn’t really doing me right. The one thing that consistently helps me is contact with supportive people. This blog has enabled that for me, in a big way – but it also enables my sitting around the house way too fucking much. I need to get myself out in the world, and get busy.
And I also think I need to reframe the way I think about myself. I am not broken, or fucked up, or in need of fixing. I’m still the same person I always was – but I’ve gotten twisted up in my head somehow. But I’ve noticed that when I just let go, and just be – I’m absolutely fine. Right now I’m somewhere in the middle of those two places, struggling to find my way back to the girl who knew how to go with the flow. I’m starting to think that I’m making it a lot more complicated than it needs to be.
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March 27, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Erin
This is a great post. I definitely go through the same thing from time to time with being completely sick of self examining myself.
I agree that there isn’t anything wrong with you…you’re human. Every single human on the earth has imperfections and the sooner that we can accept that as a fact, the easier it will become to have a little peace of mind in life.
I also loved the part where you were talking about feeling completely care free for a little while in the car. Sometimes I am overcome with a longing to experience that carefree feeling of being a child. Holiday’s really bring that out when I begin reminiscing about childhood memories with my family.
What’s really weird about me is sometimes thinking about the good times of being a child in a loving family makes me get kind of sad. I guess it’s just that I can remember what it felt like back then and I kind of miss that feeling from time to time.
But anyway…I just wanted to let you know that being sick of self examination is completely understandable, it happens to me from time to time. Also I just wanted to say that it’s harder than it seems to accept that you are a human with imperfections but acceptance of that fact is the only thing that will allow any true peace of mind in life.
Jesus, my server has been down for a couple of days so I haven’t been able to post anything to my site or read any of my emails…can you tell my brain is backed up? Must-get-thoughts-out-of-brain!
Take Care
March 27, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Prester John
Insightful. I think those of us with an active inner-life are prone to deja vu type experiences. I usually don’t associate them with any particular time but there’s definitely something familiar about them. Nothing like a pretty day and music to trigger them either. Sometimes, in less surreal moments of reflection when I think I’m missing a lover or friend or situation from my past, I realize what I’m really missing are the mes I used to be. Your post helped me connect to something on a heart level that I knew in my head; those better mes are still in there somewhere. Thank you.
Like all good things, there’s a flip side. I think many times my fears and depressive episodes are triggered by feelings driven by unconscious memories brought to the surface by something in the present. It’s sad but I’ve probably felt powerless and unsafe at least as much as I’ve felt like I was okay in my life. The angry, bitter, frightened mes are still around too. I already knew that on a heart level. I equate my addictions with the Stockholm Syndrome in that as dangerous as substance abuse if for me it is more powerful, at least short-term, than the raging negative emotional states I have to deal with.
In essence everyday there are more mes affecting my motivations, decisions, actions, etc. The trick, I think, is not to be mired in analysis paralysis but to be aware that there’s much more going on with me than meets the eye. I procrastinate, exaggerate, charm, hideout, obsess, etc. Who knows why? If I’m ever going to know myself I have to willing to examine, intellectually, the feeling and emotions that, for lack of a better phrase, rule my life.
Good stuff Cappie.
March 27, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Ted
Hey ‘Cappie! Its nice to see that you are enjoying the simple things in life and it seems like you are doing well. None of Erin’s sites work anymore whats up with that? Anyways, more and more sunny days are on their way and springtime is here! Keep up your inspiration!
March 28, 2008 at 3:01 am
bottlecappie
Erin & Prester – y’all made me cry!
PJ – What you said about realizing that when you think you’re missing an old friend, you’re really missing who you were back then – that is too true. I think one of the major problems I’m facing in my life right now is this kind of rootlessness. Whenever my old friends from the past come out here to visit me, I feel like myself again – it’s like they hold that for me somehow. But I’ve never really gotten it to connect for me since I moved here. I’m always thinking about moving back to CO, because I think I would be more well there, but I can’t tell if that’s just wishful thinking or not.
And those negative triggers too. Wow, that whole paragraph just really clicked, and I think I’ll be ruminating on that for a bit.
Erin – too true, there is no peace of mind without acceptance. I am entirely too hard on myself, which is weird, because I accept a lot of flaws in all the other people in my life.
It makes sense that thinking back on those happy times can make you feel kinda sad. It’s bittersweet, you know? Because back then, you had no idea how things were going to be- you were just there in the moment. And that’s hard to recapture.
Thank you both for reading and commenting here. Your insights have helped me, more than anything my therapist has to say. And knowing that you’re reading keeps me writing too.
Ted – Erin’s servers are down, but I’m sure she’ll be back soon. Good to see you!
March 28, 2008 at 3:39 am
Darla
I love the phrase “velveet moment”….that alone made me smile.
P.S. Could you update my blog to be my public one? http://www.ultrabeautyboutique.com thanks chic!
March 28, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Erin
Just wanted to give an update about my server issue. I have whatwinnersdo.com up and running again but the suboxone site is still down. I also do not have full access to my email as of yet but all of this should be restored in the next 24 hours or so.
April 8, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Lauren
Again, stating the obvious: I was being facetious about torturing children.