I have a remarkable capacity for doing nothing.
Today was another day of overwhelming tiredness. Slept, read, watched DVD’s. Made a trip to the grocery store, but had to cut it short because the noise in there – it was like those people were inside my head.
I was looking out the window earlier at the clear blue sky, thinking that the nice weather just felt like another demand on me – because I really should be doing something. Really, I have a whole list of stuff I need to do, and “pity party for self” is not on there.
Now, I’m trying to decide if I should just write this day off or if I should go fold some of the thirty-six loads of laundry that are piled next to my bed. Truly, this is an inner struggle worthy of Hemmingway, I shit you not. Fuck The Old Man and the Sea, I give you The Middle-Aged Lady and Her Laundry Pile.
Maybe the laundry will pile up high enough and will fall onto me while I sleep one dark night, and I will never be seen again.
Yesterday I tried to push through this feeling and started cleaning the living room. Every stray toy and old magazine I picked up ratcheted up my anxiety until I picked a fight with J, broke down in tears, and ended up taking anxiety meds for the first time in over a month. Today, I thought about getting it together to go to yoga, but I didn’t. Then I thought about getting it together to go to Tai Chi, but I didn’t. What the fuck is Wrong With Me?????
I seriously can not go on like this. It takes all my energy to pull myself together for work a few days a week, and then I’m getting not much done besides that. No. I do have good days, and I also have days where I’m able to “push through” and get things done even though I don’t feel like it. That backfires sometimes though, when I misjudge a fibro flare up as just depression. How is it that I am such a stranger to myself?
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March 25, 2008 at 2:36 pm
SuboxoneMom
You and I are so alike at times….but different times. Which is good because when I am where you were at yesterday, I come here and read a positive post.
So I thought to myself, “Gee, what would I wanna hear right now”?
Answer: BC: If you don’t fold those 36 loads of clothes today, don’t worry ’bout it. Cuz there is always gonna be another 36 loads right around the corner!
I learned a looooong time ago that I cannot beat myself up for housework not done. Because housework is NEVER done.
I beat myself up when I waste a day because of the depression.
We both need to learn to put that baseball bat down!
And something very important that I learned for YOU B.C. :
At the times, when I’m on top of the world, enjoying a beautiful day with my kids, or out walking in the sun, or smiling because I actually showered and dressed for the day……….I learned from you to appreciate THOSE MOMENTS! Thank you for that………
{{{{{BottleCappie}}}}}
SubMom
March 26, 2008 at 3:30 am
Arkay
((((HUG))))
Have a cup of tea, and just breathe for a bit. (and brace that laundry pile for a couple of days for me, ok? – as with the monkey who ate the cueball, this too shall pass)
Now, try these on for size:
My mantra: “I AM GOING TO STOP PROCRASTINATING – tomorrow”
And remember: You’re not lazy, you’re just energy efficient!
March 26, 2008 at 11:25 am
angryballerina
You remind me a lot of myself….I duno…I feel the same way constantly, its hard to get out of your own way sometimes, I guess thats when you are suppose to use your support system or some shit like that…..Do the yoga, the Chi, you know it will help.
March 29, 2008 at 2:40 am
Erin
You know that I have dealt with a similar situation in the past. I’m not saying that I’m glad to see that you are going through this too but it is good to be able to see that I’m not a freak.
Anyway, the consensus in these comments seems to be to forget about the laundry. It will be there when you decide you want to fold it. I do agree with that to a certain extent. You can’t beat yourself up for not wanting to fold the laundry…who the fuck wants to fold laundry right?
BUT…now here it comes, you gotta do it. The only way to get from not doing it to doing it is to just dive right in. Who cares if you only fold 2 pairs of pants before you get completely sick of it. Walk away when you can’t fold another shirt. It will be there when you come back. Just start it.
Even now, I make sure that I stay on top of my laundry because I HATE doing laundry. At least once a day I have no dirty clothes on the floor/in the hamper. Of course, it fills back up…that’s what the hamper is for.
When I get my clothes out of the laundry I put them on the love seat and I walk away. I HATE folding clothes more than I hate doing the actual clothing. Once I take a breather I come back and I fold it all. But then I have to leave it on the love seat folded because I HATE putting clothes away even more than I hate doing the laundry or folding the clothes.
After a little while I come back to see my folded laundry sitting on my love seat and I decided it’s time to put the clothes away. BOOM! Done.
So you see, you don’t have to do it all at once BUT you do have to do it. I’m a bummer I know.
March 29, 2008 at 7:36 am
bottlecappie
Gawd, could you imagine us as pioneer wives, lugging our laundry down to the frackin river to pound it on some rocks? Or even having to do the laundry tub/washboard/wringer/hang it out to dry business?
April 3, 2008 at 8:55 am
Erin
Screw that!
April 3, 2008 at 10:30 am
bottlecappie
We’d be dirty!