Today I realized that things are not going to just “get easier” for me again.
Those first few months after I started suboxone treatment were filled with the excitement of doing something new, plus the motivation of desperation. Now, the newness has worn off and I’m left here with myself and my habits and no easy way out.
So it is time for me to recommit myself to this process of healing. This point, right here, is the point where I usually quit. Where the inspiration has run out and the goal is still out of sight, I give up. I start in with the self-sabotage, craftily stirring up some kind of drama so that when I do quit, it looks like events have conspired to foil me, once again.
Now I’m going to go to bed and feel grateful that today is over. Tomorrow I’m going to see what I can do to refocus. I’ll keep ya posted.
5 comments
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March 7, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Erin
You may not realize it but you just went through a necessary realization. A lot of times what you went through is referred to as The Pink Cloud Syndrome.
You were floating around on the pink cloud for a while and then you were dropped on your ass into the gray zone. It’s a scary but necessary place for you to go.
Now…on with the rest of your life that has endless possibilities for happiness.
If you think you are alone in this why don’t you go ahead and read something I wrote called Out Of The Pink And Into The Gray
I’ve been there baby…it only gets better from here on out. Congratulations.
March 8, 2008 at 4:21 am
Nusku...
I hope you keep going on your journey of recovery. Good luck.
March 8, 2008 at 10:43 pm
FreeFromItAll (Darla)
You said Today I realized that things are not going to just “get easier” for me again.
GUESS WHAT???? You just lifted the burden from the expectation of things “getting easier” as YOU perceive “getting easier” to be.
The reality is….things are DIFFERENT, which may feel foreign (not easy, hard, frustrating, distracting, aggrivating, irritating anger filled)…but things are DIFFERENT, therefore they are “BETTTER”.
And what I’ve heard you say since I’ve been reading your blog is that you want to get “BETTER”.
When things get “BETTER” then they get easier because they are not what they were before – I hope that made sense.
Hang in there. YOU CAN DO THIS.
March 9, 2008 at 2:40 pm
angstandjoy
I love you! We will do this together just like we said we would. Don’t forget that you can lay your shit on me just like I lay my shit on you ALL THE FUCKING TIME ok?!?
March 9, 2008 at 3:10 pm
bottlecappie
I’m so glad you’re back. Seeing your little passion flower there brought a tear to my eye.
Love you!