I am really hurting right now.
You can always tell when it’s bad, because then I clam up. I hate to say: I was doing good, and now it’s falling apart.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
I can’t seem to get a handle on anything, can’t seem to put a few good days together. I’m sitting here making mental lists of what I need to do – but I’m not doing anything. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m just so, so tired; and I ache.
The worst thing though, is that I can’t seem to make myself care about much. I’ve been trying to put together some enthusiasm for getting my life back, but there’s no strength there right now. The littlest thing derails me completely.
Ask me, is my sink clean, and I will tell you I couldn’t even manage that for 3 days. Because it doesn’t seem worth it when I have to battle not only myself, but the other people in my home as well.
Why does every fucking thing have to be such a struggle? Why?!?
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March 5, 2008 at 6:56 am
spaceagesage
The Light
The darkness called;
I followed, falling,
down into the underneath,
and lay ripped, shredded, torn.
In pain wracked, I reeked,
oozing bile-filled blood.
The darkness played music,
of fear and self-hatred,
until I danced ugly to the tune.
I heard my voice screaming,
“Give me one, not-dark thing!”
And there it was.
A pen-thin beam of sunlight,
stabbing the darkness.
Its smallness did not matter,
because its strength was in its source.
I followed the beam, eyes only for it,
until the darkness fell behind,
Soon came the sun, healing and warm.
I sat down and cried, releasing it all.
by SpaceAgeSage
“If you can’t find the light, may it find you.”
March 5, 2008 at 7:35 am
Rob N.
I hate to tell you this, but I think you and I are a lot alike. I’ve thought that was a distinct possibility since I first read your “About” page. Anyway, I wrote what in essence is a clone of this post, except your going through it now, and I was trying to describe what it was like when I’m going through it. Check out everything is hard if you have a mind to. And I hope this nightmare passes from you soon.
Take care.
March 6, 2008 at 5:20 am
Erin
Doesn’t it feel like you will never snap out of this? I get very nervous when I see myself starting to get down like you explain because I know that it is so hard to come back from.
But you will come back. It may not feel that way but sooner or later you’ll realize that you don’t feel down anymore and that you are back on the sunny side of life.
I think the trick to getting through is each night while you are drifting off to sleep you need to remind yourself that this day is over. No matter how bad or depressing or fucking irritating it was…it’s over. Tomorrow is a new day.
When you wake up in the morning remind yourself that today is not yesterday. Today has the possibility of being filled with happiness. You have to make a conscious effort to turn your mood around. If it doesn’t work and your day is shitty…you go to bed at night repeating the same notion from the night before… today is over, tomorrow is a new day.
It may not get you out of what you are going through but it certainly aids in dealing with it. good luck
March 9, 2008 at 11:11 am
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