I am feeling sad today. It’s hard to write about, or even think about…I feel confused by my emotions.
Thursday was my complaint-free day. It went great – C and I had a good morning and after she got off to school I had some much-needed quiet time. Work was fine, and the not-complaining thing made my therapy session uber productive. But, all that reflecting and meditating and quiet-time stirred some stuff up and since I can’t numb it away, here it is.
Thursday afternoon, driving to therapy this thought floated into counsciousness: I am afraid that if I continue to get well, my relationship with J will not survive. I remember having that same thought over a year ago, when I first started therapy for my depression and before my use of painkillers had really gotten out of hand. Then, I shoved the thought to the deep, dark recesses of my mind but here it is again, making its presence known.
I don’t know what to do with this thought. Engage it? Argue with it? Just sit with it? Analzye? Deny? Rationalize it away? For now, I’m just trying to recognize that I have this thought, and this fear, and to just be with that. It is a possibility that if I keep growing and changing, but my relationship doesn’t, that the relationship will end. It is also a possibility that something else will happen. What I do know is that right now, I am no longer at a place where I can allow that fear to stop me from taking care of myself.
It is hard to know how to go about healing this brokenness. My therapist suggested that we go to couples counseling, but I don’t know if I am ready for that. I have so much that I’m dealing with just trying to take care of myself right now, and my instinct is to just disengage as much as possible. Maybe I don’t hold out a lot of hope for counseling helping us either, because I don’t see that J has a lot of motivation to change. What I see happening is the counseling becoming a thing that I have to make happen, keep track of, and put a ton of effort into. And I don’t want to take my focus off of myself right now when I’m doing so well.
J has been really depressed. Communication has basically broken down between us. I got so tired of trying to talk to him about something, only to be accused of “giving him shit,” or “going off on him” or “freaking out” or whatever, so tired of his defensiveness, so tired of everything turning into a fight that ended with me crying and him storming out of the house that I’ve just given up. He can do what he wants, I guess, and I will do my best to take care of me and C. I’m not going to try to get him out of bed in the morning, I’ll just take care of it. I’m not going to try to get him to go to the doctor, to do physical therapy, to clean up anything…
When I woke up this morning, there was a huge mess in the bathroom, where he is using the bath tub for a “project,” which has resulted in the tub being clogged up and unusable. I said nothing. I will go to the gym and shower there in the morning before work, I guess. I folded all the laundry that’s been piling up, and did a bunch of the dirty dishes. He did play video games with C for a while so I could nap today, since I didn’t sleep well and was feeling pretty badly this afternoon. I’m grateful for that.
For whatever reason, the path he has chosen right now is one that I don’t understand. The things he’s doing don’t seem to be helping him, or helping us, but he’s not open to discussing that. Having experienced the mind-warping effects of serious depression more than a few times in my own life, I’ve been inclined to wait and see how this spins out, to hope that the fog will lift from his mind and he’ll realize that this isn’t how he wants to live. And do something about it.
But I also know that I am not ok with the way things are. I can live with it, for now, but not forever. I hate not being able to reach him, and I hate even worse that some small part of me is starting to not care. At least I’ve finally realized that being angry about it accomplishes nothing, that expressing my anger about it changes nothing, it’s just destructive and makes me feel ugly and hateful. So, like I said, I will just try to be with it, to accept that it is what it is, and to take care of what I can. And I will try to know that I am strong enough to work through this pain and sadness, and try to have faith that what I find on the other side will be what’s right for me.
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January 20, 2008 at 11:06 pm
FreeFromItAll
Unfortunately I think this is one area in our recovery process from “whatever illness” that is not talked about openly enough. People either just seem to “make it” or fall back into old habits/patterns without meaning to.
One thing I see you doing that is going to help you tremendously is you are sifting through your “emotional” mind and also your “reality” mind to get to the place called “wise mind”. To get to wise mind we must use our emotions (but not so much that they run us) and we also must use our reality, fact finding mind (but not so much that we become sterile to what we are feeling) to finally land in a place of rest and peace called “wise mind”.
We can’t live in wise mind because we need the other two elements to get here (hope that makes senses). For you and I (and many others) getting to “wise mind” is harder than someone who is “healthy”. You, because of your addictions, etc., me for other reasons. That’s OK, we just need to know that there will be a sorting out process that will travel much higher and lower emotionally than most people until we can break the cycle. But WE CAN DO IT.
I’m not going to pretend that there are people in my life right now that are always going to be my friend if/when I recover fully. Just as there were “friends” in my life when I was healthy that wanted nothing to do with me when I became ill. I couldn’t go places like before, I wasn’t the same me. In other words, in their mind they had a contract with my “health” per se and I broke it, therefore, our friendship to them was null and void.
When I was diagnosed (mis-diagnosed) a few years ago with an illness that was very scary – I said to my “Christian” doctor, who will I be when this is all said and done? He said “You will be the wife and mother that God wants you to be”. I said “Well, then who have I been all these years until now???” He had no answer for me. What I realize now is that, I was exactly as God wanted me to be even back then – flaws and all.
I was no surprise to God and neither are you. You are a lovely lady with a power within you that even you don’t quite understand. Power is not meant as a sword, it is strength.
Your beautiful child needs to see your strength as you pull yourself up by the bootstraps if necessary to get out of the pit (depression, lifestyle, etc.) you are working so hard to stay out of. Your beautiful child needs to see you change your life for the better once and for all, having nothing to do with circumstances but everything to do with belief in your inner power. Show your beautiful child what inner power really looks like.
There are only 2-3 books I tell someone they HAVE to have if they promise to read and apply it with an open heart. The one I hope you choose to read is: “Get out of that pit” by Beth Moore. Get it at your library or online at half.com or amazon for cheap.
This book will take you slowly and without shame through the battles we face and how to see them before they happen again and how to get out of one if we are in one. There are MANY different pits in life.
I wish I had read this IMMEDIATELY when someone recommended it to me. Instead I ordered it and it sat for 6 mos out of fear that it would do like so many books – condemn me more, make me feel less than, give me a list of things to “do” — instead when I read it I found rest and peace. If I had read it 6 mos prior, so much hurt, pain and suffering could have been avoided (for some reason I need to learn the hard way *sigh*).
Love ya girl!
January 21, 2008 at 5:39 am
bottlecappie
You’re right, this is an area of recovery that’s all too often glossed over. Right now, my focus is on learning that I can be with this emotional pain and uncertainty – I don’t have to run from it, do anything to numb it, or even act on it right now. I just have to endure, and be patient. It helps to remind myself that I can’t see the big picture, and that I don’t have to be the one in control of everything.
I was thinking today that I am actually glad that I went down the road that I did with the painkillers. Obviously, it was in itself bad and destructive and painful, but it also led me to the treatment that I’m in right now – which has been amazingly healing. I don’t understand the path that J is on right now, but I’m trying to trust that there is a reason for everything, and that even though what he’s doing right now seems destructive and wrong, it may eventually lead him to a better place. Until then, I have to figure out how to let him make his own mistakes, and at the same time I have to figure out how to take care of myself and our child, to make sure we are protected. It’s an incredibly difficult balancing act.
I will get the book you’ve recommended, and I’ll read it too! I know about “wise mind” from my Buddhist studies, and you’re exactly right – that is what I’m trying to cultivate. For so long I’ve either been completely at the mercy of my emotions, or else numbing them into oblivion. Now I want to feel them, and let my decisions be informed by them, but not to be completely overwhelmed by them. So far I’m finding that the less I fight with my emotions, the easier it is to just feel them and move on.
Today again I have a heaviness in my heart and I feel sadness, but I am trying not to over-think it. I have been supressing my emotions for so long that I’m sure there’s a ton of stuff just waiting for an opportunity to surface. I don’t think I have to assign a meaning to this feeling, I just have to feel it for now. And of course, always remember: This too shall pass.
Thank you, ffia – your support means a lot to me, since I’m not talking about this stuff with anyone in my “real life.” I appreciate you taking time and energy to write to me.
January 21, 2008 at 8:52 am
PainPainGoAway
Let me tell ya from a guys point of view that we are usually not as emotionally receptive as women. We see things in more of a black and white and logical way. When you try to help, he sees it as getting on his case. You have to let him know whats on your mind in a calm and considerate way, even if he doesn’t seem considerate of your wants and needs or the needs of your family. Tell him that this is how it hurts and why. Say that there has to be changes and that you two are a team and its a group effort for your child. Talking in terms of sports brings it to a guy level that he will easily be able to understand. He is the offense, you are the defense, your child is the trophy. I dunno it may sound stupid but I know if a women had put it to me that way I would get it. Don’t let him neglect his fair share, thats not healthy for you to just go about and do all the work and thats ok because its not. I’m sure he loves you alot and probably doesn’t even realize he is doing anything wrong. Anyways, make of it what you will, thats only my opinion. Later – Ted