Here’s the deal – I like to complain. It’s what I do. When I met Mr B, I was a waitress, and part of why he fell in love with me was my hilarious waitress-rants. I like to think of complaining as a kind of art – I take something shitty that happened to me, and I turn it into a funny story to make you laugh. And I’m really good at it. I take pride in my ability. I’d even go so far as to say that it’s a big part of my identity.
But it’s still negative. In order to get the grist for the funny mill, I have to focus on what’s wrong, how I was mistreated, how people are fools, etc. As anyone who was ever the class clown knows, getting that laugh is like a high. It provides validation and a sense of power: Look how I make people happy! See how they laugh at my jokes!
Which is ok, to an extent. But my sense of humor has long been both my armor and my most trusted method for reaching out to others. So much so that I’ve noticed that I’m alwayson the lookout for situations that I can turn into a funny bitchfest later. I feel like I can’t stop it, can’t shut it off, or just shut up. I want to be able to relate to people in a way that is positive, be funny in a way that’s also positive (or at least neutral) instead of constantly pointing out how things are screwed up and wrong. I mean, they are screwed up and wrong a lot of the time – but it doesn’t have to be the focus of my life.
I‘m going to try to go without complaining for the next 24 hours. (I’ll wait a moment while those of you who know me get control of your laughter). I think this will be a good opportunity to really take time to think before I speak, and it will help me see how my thoughts shape my moods and my perceptions of reality. And the complaint-ban even extends to physical pain, which I also complain about a lot and not in a funny way. I think there are some unarticulated beliefs about my pain that underlie my complaining about it, and I’d like the chance to think about that as well.
Wish me luck.
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January 17, 2008 at 8:33 pm
FreeFromItAll
(((HUGS))) I have a belief that anything we use in our personality to an extreme is a control mechanism. Be it annoyingly upbeat 24/7 or a complainer 24/7. There’s something that we are trying to control so we don’t have to “go there” because “going there” takes courage and WILL change our lives for the better, but it isn’t always via the pretty road.
Congratulations on “going there”. May it bring you peace, joy and even some giggles at times.
January 17, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Erin
I can say that I’m kind of guilty of the same type of thing as you with complaining. I also use it in a comedic type way but when you get down to it…it’s still complaining.
I have actually spotted this in myself a little while back and I have also been trying to make an effort to stay positive…it’s not easy.
But you have recognized it in yourself, and you are working on it. That’s a great start. Trying to police your thoughts can be really, really hard but it does get easier and easier and soon you won’t even have to think about it that much…you’ll just be more positive.
Does that mean that you have to be positive all the time?? Sometimes is just feels good to be a little negative (as long as you don’t make a habit out of it…but we wouldn’t do that right?)
January 18, 2008 at 1:10 am
bottlecappie
FFIA – That is too true! I never thought of it that way, but I do believe you’ve hit the nail on the head.
Erin – I have been wondering how to manage getting burned-out on retraining my thought-process. It’s important for me to remember that it’s a process, and it’s taken my whole life for me to get here so it’s going to take some time for me to get out of here. I need to give myself breaks and also look back and recognize how far I’ve already come.
As always, the support of my blog friends is invaluable. Thanks so much.
January 18, 2008 at 2:42 am
FreeFromItAll
Can I hear an A-HA from Miss cappie…
January 19, 2008 at 2:44 pm
PainPainGoAway
Can I get some cheese with that whine? I can totally identify with loving to make people laugh, it feels good to make others feel good. When I make a good joke to a group it seems like they hang on your every word and want more. It feels powerful to a degree. Your’e a nice person and the quirks that you have make you who you are. Embrace that, not everything always needs to be changed. But seriously, if you think you have a character defect that you need to address then by all means change away.
January 19, 2008 at 2:46 pm
PainPainGoAway
I want some french cries.
January 20, 2008 at 6:11 am
bottlecappie
Hola, paingoaway! It does feel good to make people laugh, and I don’t think I’d want to give that up. I do like the way I feel when I make the effort to focus on the positive things in my life.
Thanks for your comments.
January 20, 2008 at 11:30 pm
FreeFromItAll
I, too, love to make people laugh (altho some days you would never know it). I also love to make people think by using the other side of their brain (flip it upside down if you will) to stretch it – sometimes you have to use humor to get that to happen.
As women, we are naturally people pleasers (God, I hate it when people stereo-type someone – but in this case it’s 90% true)…so it’s only natural to make people around us feel good. It’s kind of our gift to them and us.
What we need to be careful of is losing ourself in our gifts – and I think that Miss Cappie is seeing that being her authentic self can include being frickin hilarious as well as thankful, angry, sad, happy, overjoyed, crazed, peaceful, energetic and all things that make us, as women, great.
This has provoked lots of great discussion!
P.S. Painpaingoaway do you have a blog? May I ask what kind of pain you are in?
January 21, 2008 at 8:30 am
PainPainGoAway
FreeFromItAll – Hello and a pleasure to meet you. I am a guy and no I dont have a blog, however I have started a video blog about my progress in Suboxone treatment. You may have seen it on Erin’s website or Youtube under suboxone. I think Ms. Cappie was debating using it as well. The reason I used PainPainGoAway was because at the time I started the Youtube account I was in active addiction, SUPER dopesick, and it was raining. I was thinking of that nursery rhyme rain rain go away, come again some other day, and I was in pain. Kinda stupid I know but whatever. I am not in any pain now so maybe I should change it up. My real name is Ted. Thanks for asking.
January 22, 2008 at 4:33 am
FreeFromItAll
Nice to meet you as well, Ted. I’m glad you are no longer in pain.