I am not friends with my fat, but I’m working on it.
I have been thinking about Fat Acceptance lately, and I read this amazing post at Shapely Prose, which really got me thinking about a lot of stuff that I’ve put off, or given up on, because I’m waiting to not be fat anymore. And then, I put it out of my mind, until I read another great post at The Geek Side and I realized that I can’t just keep pushing this stuff to the back of my mind forever so I better write about it.
I want to quit waiting. But at the same time, I am not really ready to give up the hope that I might be thin someday. Or at least as close to thin as I ever was, back in the day. Perhaps it would be good enough, for now anyway, if I just quit using my fat as an excuse not to do things that I want to do. Maybe I could also leave weight-loss out of my goals. But I do have a goal of being more fit, more flexible, stronger and more energetic, and to dance more - and I have a sneaky feeling that I will get thinner as a “side effect” of such fitness. And that’s not bad, is it?
I already know the answer to that. It is bad, because too soon the “side effect” becomes the goal, and what started out as a desire to love and care for myself becomes an exercise in self-hate. The over-exercising begins, the skipping of meals, berating myself, and then I binge. After that, I usually stop even trying to care for myself, and the hopelessness sets in. Still, I feel myself clinging to the hope, against all logic or reason.
I guess I should also recognize that much of the time that I was thinner, I was using a lot of drugs, artificially supressing my appetite, sometimes going days without eating, and smoking cigarettes constantly. And I was still never smaller than a size 12. So I don’t know what kind of heroic effort it would take to make me thin, but I’m pretty sure I’m not up to it.
Baby steps have been taken on my road to FA. A few days ago, I happened to find my favorite yoga pants on sale and I grabbed 2 pairs. I wanted to stock up, so I’d always have clean yoga pants, thus removing one of my excuses for not going to the gym. If I bought these 2 pairs, I’d have 4 total, which would be great. Then, I thought to myself: Maybe I shouldn’t buy all of these, because I might not be wearing this size for too much longer.
I bought the pants. I deserve comfy clothes that fit, and I should have enough pants that I’ll never have to skip yoga or Nia or whatever because I don’t have clean pants. The clothes I may or may not fit into at some future date are not important. Loving myself as I am right now is important, and treating myself accordingly is important. I know that clothes are not the most important thing in the world, but clothing myself is definitely an aspect of self care. Maybe it’s silly, but when I put on those yoga pants, I feel good.
One of my hopes for this upcoming year is that I will get better at knowing myself, and loving myself. I hope that as I heal, my intuition will grow stronger. I hope that the internal voice that tells me what I need, whether it be rest, a hot bath, a bowl of spinach or a chocolate bar, will get stronger and clearer, and I hope to grown in wisdom enough to heed that voice. I’m begining to see that Fat Acceptance is going to be an important part of this journey for me – probably as important as quitting the pills.
So I guess I’ve got some things to add to my quit list. Quit dieting. Quit seeking weight-loss (and here I want to add “as an end in itself” because still, I’m just not ready), Quit hating my body, Quit waiting to be thin(er) to do the things that make me happy.
Ha! So much for not making resolutions this year. I can do this though. I just have to remember baby steps, baby steps, and I’ll be ok.
4 comments
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January 2, 2008 at 9:57 am
FreeFromItAll
Good for you on buying the yoga pants! You can always buy new later as a reward.
Those darn baby steps show up everywhere we want to go don’t they?
January 2, 2008 at 7:58 pm
nightgigjo
This sentence bashed me over the head and threatened to run off with my wallet. Self-deprivation to the point of starvation is not heroic. What you’re doing now, trying to overcome the patriarchy’s conditioning that says “You too can be thin, like our arbitrarily selected and severely airbrushed model!”. That is heroic. Any person who stands up for themselves against the inundation of rhetoric is performing a truly Herculean task.
Thank you for that, bottlecappie. I needed to hear it.
As to your comment, FreeFromItAll, I can’t let myself think, even jokingly, that I can “always buy new later” especially “as a reward”. If I reward myself for becoming smaller, even if that wasn’t my goal, I’m still buying into the myth that being thin makes me worth more than being not-thin. It’s just what bottlecappie was saying above, that the trip from weight loss as side effect to weight loss as an obsession is a short one indeed.
I have to maintain an attitude of acceptance about my body, and, should I need new pants, for whatever reason, simply buy them because I need new pants. If they’re a different size, fine. It’s the pants that fit or don’t fit, not me.
These are the thoughts I have to constantly reinforce for myself, just so I don’t buy into the idea that I’d somehow be a better person if I were thinner, which is essentially what my motivations for dieting generally amounted to.
Heh, I came over to comment and wrote a post instead. As you can tell, this is an important and pertinent subject for me at the moment.
January 3, 2008 at 5:09 am
bottlecappie
Thank you for pointing that out, nightgigjo. You are right, it is heroic to stand up to my conditioning, our culture, and basically every single person I know and say Fuck This Noise.
And when I wrote that statement about the “heroic” effort it would take to make me thin, I really meant it. It did seem like a heroic effort the times I managed to do it. That programming runs so deep.
FreeFromItAll – I actually had that exact same thought – that I could reward myself with new, smaller clothes later, after I accidentally lose weight as a side effect of taking better care of myself. I think gigjo is right though, I need to stop thinking that way because I want to stop believing that I am better when I am smaller.
I appreciate your words of encouragement, and yes, those darn baby steps are everywhere and my feet want to Run!
January 4, 2008 at 3:17 am
FreeFromItAll
Very true! You are not better when you are smaller, your body is just a different size is all and you will have to accommodate for that (dammit! LOL).