Like a stubborn puppy who refuses to be dragged about on a leash, the part of me that resists change (especially of the beneficial-to-myself variety) dug in with all four paws today, trying to defeat my meager motivation to go to the gym. The Val-Pak mailer coupon for a free 2 week pass was expiring at midnight, so I really needed to get down there and  I decided to go. My mind went a little haywire, throwing up too many objections and obstacles at the same time: it’s raining, I have a headache, laundry needs folding, I think I’m coming down with a cold. Anxiety started to grip my chest and I tried to pick a fight with Mr. B to distract myself from the prospect of going. Woo! All that, and I wasn’t even planning to work out, oh no ho!, just to go down and collect my 2 week pass and come home.

After about 25 minutes of alternately wringing my hands, whining, folding a few shirts and berating myself, I put on my shoes and drove down there. The club is Swanky! Fancy even, with a hot tub/sauna/steam room, scented with eucalyptis, right in the women’s locker room. I got my pass and wandered around for a few minutes, picked up a class schedule and fled back to the saftey of my home. Yaaaayyyy!

Maybe understanding why it’s so hard for me to make these kinds of changes, take positive steps in my life, isn’t as important as it is for me to just go and do the thing. Maybe it will just get easier every time, until doing the good thing becomes a habit. Already, I feel like not using is becoming more of a habit. I even try harder to get a handle on my anxiety before I resort to the aniety meds, and I’ve been working on alternative treatments for my headaches before I reach for the $36 migraine pill. Sometimes, I do resort to chemical help, and I think that’s fine. But I’m interested in learning other ways to help myself, and I’m definitely interested in reducing the amount of prescription medication I take on a regular basis (right now, I have 6, SIX!, medications that I take regularly – 4 daily, 2 when needed).

Which is not to say that I think drugs are necessasarily bad. I still don’t have a goal of total abstinence and I still don’t know how I feel about addiction and recovery, or if I even think of myself as an addict. I know that some would say this is “denial,” but I don’t know. Maybe I should talk about it with my therapist. The way that I see it is that I started using opiates to treat my untreated pain, and then I became physically dependent, and psychologically dependent as well. Since suboxone treats my pain so effectively, and wonder of all wonders seems to be a remarkably effective antidepressant, I haven’t wanted any vicodin or oc. And it’s been around, available to me.

My emotional/mental problems long predated my opiate use. And I’m really willing to work on developing skills to help me cope with my depression, to learn how to manage it. And I’m willing to work on myself physically, in the hope that I can lessen my pain and lessen my need for drugs. So does this mean I’m an addict? Is it really true that I’ll never be better until I accept that framing of my problems, and that I’ll never be able to heal until I admit that I don’t have the power to heal myself?

Whatever the answer to that question is, I know for a fact that I’m not ready to claim the label. I will go to therapy, I will find non-drug and alcohol related social activities to do, I will take my medication and I will stay away from other recreational substances for now, because that is what I agreed to do in order to get treatment. Hopefully, that will be enough to get me healthy.